It’s Not About “Why She Stays”: Understanding the Invisible Chains of Abuse

For too long, the conversation around domestic violence has focused on the wrong questions. Friends and family, often well-meaning but legally and psychologically unaware, ask: Why does she stay? Doesn’t she know she has a choice? Some even whisper that she must have brought it upon herself by not being “good enough.”

But in 2025, we know better. We know that the most appropriate question isn’t why she stays, but rather: “Why won’t the abuser let her go?”

Leaving is not an event; it is a dangerous process. Statistics consistently show that survivors are at the highest risk of assault or homicide after they leave or attempt to end the relationship. This reality gives chilling weight to the abuser’s creed: “If I can’t have her, no one can.”

Beyond the physical threat, there are invisible chains that bind women to these relationships. Here are four critical factors that keep survivors trapped, often hidden in plain sight.

1. Financial Abuse

An abuser controls the victim by controlling the resources. In modern terms, we call this Financial Abuse. It is one of the most effective methods of entrapment.

Without access to money, a survivor cannot afford the transportation to leave, a safe place to sleep, or legal counsel. Often, the abuser will sabotage her employment, forbidding her from working or harassing her at her workplace until she is fired. Without a job, she loses the network of colleagues she could turn to for help.

If the abuser holds the keys to food, clothing, housing, and communication, the victim is forced into a survival mode where obedience feels like the only option.

2. Spiritual Abuse and Shame

For many women, the social stigma of divorce remains a heavy burden. This is particularly acute in religious communities where the preservation of marriage is sometimes prioritized over the safety of the woman. This is known as Spiritual Abuse—weaponizing faith to control a partner.

Religious leaders and community members may unknowingly collude with the abuser by pressuring the victim to “pray harder” or “be a better wife,” even when the leader is aware of the violence.

However, faith is meant to heal, not harm. Christianity, for example, does not condemn women to endure domestic violence. As the scripture says:

“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…” (Ephesians 5:28-29).

Love protects; it does not bruise.

3. Weaponizing Children

A mother’s instinct is to protect her children, and abusers ruthlessly exploit this. Many women fear that if they attempt to leave, the abuser will hurt or kidnap the children. In the court system, abusers often fight for custody not because they want to parent, but because they want to maintain control over the mother.

Survivors often sacrifice their own freedom and safety to keep the peace for their kids. They may also stay because they believe the children “need their father,” often unaware that witnessing abuse is just as damaging to a child’s development as experiencing it directly.

4. Trauma Bonding (The “Hope” Trap)

Women do not fall in love with abusers; they fall in love with the mask the abuser wears. In the beginning, he is often charming, attentive, and seemingly perfect.

When the abuse starts, it is rarely constant. It creates a Trauma Bond. The relationship cycles through tension, an explosion of abuse, and then a “honeymoon phase” where the abuser is apologetic, loving, and promises change. The victim holds onto hope that the man she fell in love with will return permanently.

She isn’t “weak” for staying; she is chemically and psychologically bonded to the intermittent kindness he offers.

You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this and recognizing your own life in these words, please know that you are not crazy, and it is not your fault.

Fear, lack of resources, and psychological manipulation may be preventing you from seeking help, but support is available. You do not have to navigate this alone.

Resources for Immediate Help:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.

• Tech Safety: Be aware that abusers often track location and digital activity. If possible, use a public computer or a friend’s phone to research escape plans.